shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
