So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
