I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
