I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
