if only i could text you this smell
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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