highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
