You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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