I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
