Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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