Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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