I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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