At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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