Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
