You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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