Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
