Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
