Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
