I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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