did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i out mim tonsoeep
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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