White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
