shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there was a trapeze. enough said
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
