Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
