I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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