The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
