I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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