cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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