I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
