i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
