I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
we should paint friendship bongs
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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