so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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