dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize