god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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