I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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