woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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