My liver just broke up with me...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
