I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
