chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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