By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
