I met the friendliest cop last night
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
