in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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