i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
