the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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