last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
