I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize