I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
