Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize