Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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