i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize