Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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