The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
