Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
