She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
