If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
