So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She is in my trunk
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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